Warning! You Must Be 21 or Know Someone Who is Almost 21 to Read Further
Each Customer of the Week wins, not only lasting and enduring fame and fortune, but also
a $10 bar tab every day for seven days
(or until they enter alcohol rehab, whichever comes first.)
Ladies, for you, we’ll also throw in a personal roll of Charmin. Gooood luck!
Please welcome Poor Paul’s new C.O.W., David O’Kane. Our selection of David this week, if nothing else, should show our other patrons that our standards are not real high and that they too could someday be the “chosen one.” But seriously, David has many “hidden qualities” that I‘d like to tell you about. But, when delving into these “hidden qualities I found that they were really well hidden. I came up with NUTTIN.’
So I’ll just give you a little interesting factual information about him. He’s 29 yrs. old which qualifies him for Old Farts night here at Poor Paul’s and all the benefits that go along with it. David earns his living as a mainframe programmer.?? He lives in Coonbottom (yes, Coonbottom) and claims to be a “gentleman redneck” (an oxymoron, I think.) He’s a gun nut and loves to hunt big game: He likes to get up before daylight with his dogs (poodles) and stealthily steal through the cool mist, from farm to farm, killing watermelon. Yeh, it’s dangerous, but David thrives on excitement. He claims to have once killed a “NO TRESPASSING” sign. (That’s just a couple of the things they do in Coonbottom; I don’t remember the other one! It think it might be watermelon fucking.)
Well, this is the stupidest biography I’ve ever read and I refuse to continue it, but there is one more thing I should tell you about David. He’s a hell of a nice guy. You should get to know him. Look for the dumb hat.[/su_spoiler]
Please welcome our very first C.O.W., Seth (short for Sethukrazinboober) Beezhold. Seth has been hanging out at Poor Paul’s for about 5 years now. You see Seth works across the street at The Loop and he discovered that that Poor Paul’s is close enough to The Loop that he can come here without his GPS ankle bracelet going off and alerting the cops.
Some folks think he drinks a little too much but he says he only drinks because he has absolutely no personality when he’s sober. It’s possible that you may have bumped into Seth or actually sat right next to him and still don’t recognize him because Seth has the ability to make himself invisible! Ladies, have you ever seen a beer bottle kinda floating around the ladies room? That’s Seth!
Says his life’s ambition is to be the Poor Paul’s C.O.W. for the rest of his life and his claim to fame is that he wears size 13 shoes… (and girls, you all know that if a guy has big feet he usually has big…something else!! ) In Seth’s case it’s “SOCKS!”
I know I’m rambling on now, but I was hoping to think of something really nice to say about Seth to justify this honor. I called his mother….no help there; I asked his best friend last week and he said he’d get back with me, but hasn’t yet. Help me here…anybody![/su_spoiler]
The Poor Paul’s C.O.W. this week is Wendy. It’s here in this little biography that we try to introduce our C.O.W. to the bar. But no one seems to know anything about Nastasha. Not even her parents. They say they vaguely remember her. She was such a secretive child that they don’t even know when she left home. (They said to say “hi!”)
Oh, there’s lots of stories but it’s hard to separate fact from fiction, and I will only report what I know to be the truth. She does have a police record but even the FBI doesn’t remember what she did. They did say that if she was a serial killer, it would probably be in her record. She is on the Humane Society’s sex offender list??? Her school records show that she graduated from the 8th Grade, but the trail ends there.
About the only thing that seems certain is that “she” hasn’t always been a “SHE.” In fact her mug shots all show her with a full beard and a mullet! Let’s just say that when Wendy got her boob job she had something to trade in.
We do know she is 31 years old and, according to our security camera records, she has missed coming to Poor Paul’s only 4 days in the last 10 years. I think it’s about time Poor Paul buys her some free drinks. Congratulations Wendy (or Bill, or Bob, or…..)[/su_spoiler]